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from Rocky by A Pregnant Light

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Sons: remember your fathers

The day before I watched you sleep
You were slipping
You were letting your pain go

The body didn’t match the heart
Your pain was seeing us
Because we loved you so much
I understood why people say
“I would have traded places with you”
I would have instantly

You didn’t deserve to have breath be short
Your lungs were weak from birth
The body didn’t match your heart

Your heart was too big for your body
Even though it had withered away
Deprived of oxygen
A smile never left your face
You were never bitter or angry
Never sour or upset

You loved us unconditionally
Trust God
Love God
Know that there is a plan

I saw no plan other than the taking of a good man
Every time I saw you I was angry
And every single time you’d look right at me
I wanted to curse the creation that made you suffer
You told me to be at peace
I could
Because of your strength

March 8th
My mom, my sister and I

I never watched someone I love die before
Mallory stood up and got sick
My mother was beside herself in relief and disbelief
Finally you could rest

I remember looking at my mother to try and see her face
I can’t remember her face
I can’t remember how she looked
She had been taking care of my dad every moment of every day
After we went home
After we cleaned up and did the dishes
After the football game when the pain of what life had become
Draped like stars over their shared sky

Love is not a burden
Love is a sun
I see the purple light

Dad, if somehow you can hear me
I’m sorry that this song isn’t all it should be
I love you so much

Thank you for being the greatest man I’ve ever known
I miss you more than I can comprehend
Sometimes I feel like you’re going to call me
Like somehow it wasn’t real
Even though I took care of your body
When it grew cold in that warm bright room
I knew you were gone
Still I had to touch your face and pull back your hair
When I kissed your forehead and held your neck
I felt your love even then

Goodbye, Dad
I’ll see you in the next life
I’ll always be your son


from Rocky, released May 16, 2016


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